WHAT IF YOU'RE ATTACKED BY A MONSTER? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

    Being that Halloween is just around the corner. I felt it my job to give out some helpful hints in case we get overrun with monsters. It probably should be noted that I am not a monster expert (though I did play one on t.v.), nor have I ever had any run-ins with one (lately!). Add to that the fact that I have missed my last 15 years of Kung Fu lessons, and suddenly my credibility may come into question.
    Van Helsing, I am not (even though I have watched it a handful of times), but I have watched quite a few horror movies over the years. I have also had countless dreams in which I battled some sort of monster into submission. Lastly, you would not believe how frequently I stage monster vs. monster battles in my head during my lunch time (what else am I supposed to do during lunch? eat?).
    Remember, in no way am I implying that these ideas will work or save your life. Rather, I think they will make the last few moments of your life more enjoyable. So, in the event of any of these creatures taking over the world (or your neighborhood), I urge you to give my suggestions a try ( they may save your life in case of a great monster migration).

• Mummies-Hands down, this is the least scary monster out there, lending them to the most potential case of ridicule. Their wrappings are obviously a weakness that begs to be exploited. And what better way to exploit them than to make money off them? I would gather 10-12 mummies (would that be considered a flock of mummies) and tie their bandages to a sturdy object such as a building. Then I would fire a gun and have them race on some kind of course, and whomever unravels last, wins (winner, winner chicken dinner). A little gas and some matches would take care of any mummy problem in a short period of time also. With those bandages being so old they would go up like a Christmas tree without water (poof!!!)

• Frankenstein-Based on the monster's inability to concentrate or speak, I believe that this is another opportunity to take advantage of a possibly scary situation. He can't walk fast and what's he supposed to do to catch someone when he walks with his arms straight out. You could run down to the supermarket and back 3 or 4 times until he catches up with you. Once you turn a corner, how's he going to know where you've disappeared to. He would be great for hide and seek (the only problem is the game would last too long, and everyone would get board, except for Frankenstein, he would probably search for a missing sock in the dryer if you let him). The easiest way to get rid of him is to trip him and when he's down have a friend in his truck run him over a few times.

• Swamp Creatures-This is one for the senior-citizens. In the event of some kind of water monster taking over the world. I would suggest loading a helicopter with some of the senior citizens (mainly ones from New York) and a load of bricks and fly over different bodies of water where these creatures were reported to be lurking. Everytime one pops up out of the water they take turns throwing the bricks at them and sinking them (almost like plunking gophers with a mallet). The one who sinks the most gets a prize. (lifetime supply of denture grip)

• Zombies-They are another of the slow moving monster kind (what's up with all of these slow moving monsters these days!). Zombies would be perfect for a shooting gallery. You plink them going in one direction and they turn around and go the other way and you plink them again and again. They have the attention span of a 5 year old. You could always call one of the local little league teams in your area and they could take batting and thowing practice (one!two!three strikes he's down in the ole Zombie bashing game!!)

• Vampires-If vampires took over the world, a lot of things would probably change. Blood banks would be franchised as drive-thrus. Dentists would be a vampires best friend (want to keep those canine teeth sharp). The night life would go way up (it would suck if you were a human though!). If you're still human and you think a vampire is stalking you, just carry some high powered ultraviolet lights (don't forget fresh batteries). You may also want to start taking those Kung Fu lessons again and learn how to use Chinese fighting sticks (sharpened at both ends mind you). If you get along with them and lets say you're a hairdresser and they come in to have their hair permed, how are they going to tell if you did it right or not if they can't see their reflection in a mirror?(that's when they bring a vampire buddy with them)

• Werewolves-Werewolves may be the hardest to take down because they usually travel in packs. This is another case of taking up Kung Fu again and learn the art of throwing silver plated throwing stars. Having an axe would come in handy also, but they are usually a little bulky. I have seen some late night infomercials on about a new folding axe made of space age materials that can chop down a tree and saw through an aluminum can and still cut a tomato (plus you get 2 for the price of one, just pay extra shipping and handling charges).My suggestion would be on full moon nights would be to stay at home and watch a couple movies on HBO or Showtime.

    I hope that my ideas and suggestions have sparked some thoughts into your mind about what to do during a monster battle royal. As much as I do not want to see creatures invading our planet, I would hate to squander such promising opportunities for you and I to have some fun at their expense. Good luck and happy hunting!!! BoooYaaahhhh!!!!!